2014 helped me to explore the other side of me. It was a year that made me realise that I am an emotional person too. I never thought losing my dad will make me so emotionally weak yet mentally strong. For someone who hasn’t seen anyone dying, it becomes difficult to absorb understand and react when the person closest to you is no more. On 6th October when I admitted my dad to the hospital the doctor asked me whether we want him to move to ICU. He described me that my dad may not survive even after putting him in to the ICU. I had to make the decision; I thought lets fight with God till the end. I was so confident that medical science will certainly help me and my dad. I told doctor lets go ahead with the formalities, we are ready for the fight.
But, I think all fights are not to be won, I saw my father on that ICU bed for around 6 days neither eating anything nor saying. I felt helpless; I called my cousin asked him to come over for the emotional support. I suddenly started feeling the pinch of losing my dad day by day. I didn’t know how we feel when we lose someone. I didn’t know about my mental strength to face the situation. I just wanted to perform all my duties as his daughter with a brave heart. I had to be a support for my mother who was losing someone with whom she had shared most of her life. Suddenly, I thought the whole world is conspiring against me. I was choked up with my emotions, I was finding it difficult to express. Finally, the doctor said the case is now beyond his reach and I had to take that call. We decided to move him to my home town in an ambulance. It was 13th October, probably I could never forget that night I knew that this is the last night with my father. I won’t be able to see him breathe even after. We (me and my mom) both were prepared for this I guess. My mother is a strong lady she had prepared me for this. She told whoever comes to this world has to go one day and you being our only daughter have to face everything. While in the ambulance I had decided to go against my family wishes and perform all the last rites of my father. I knew I will face objections, but I was prepared. It was not at all easy for me on one side I was losing someone who loved and cared for me the most and on the other hand I was fighting for my rights. I was fighting with the people of same blood. That day I thought though my father was one amongst them he was always different than them. He always used to tell me whenever this kind of situation occurs you have to perform the last rites for me. On 14thMorning as soon as we reached the hospital, I saw all my relatives already waiting for us. I was accompanied by my nephew, who is younger than me. I really don’t know when he became so responsible.
After spending 3–4 hours in the hospital, the doctor told me it’s time for you to take him home. They told me he will only survive for few more hours. Again I had to take that call, and finally I decided to not to be weak and face the situation as it comes. This time I was surrounded by my family members. I realised one thing you have to be mentally strong to face all this stuff. If I were weak at that point I would have given up and there was no one else but me to take up any major decision. Today also when I look back I don’t understand the unknown strength that I had that time.
2014 is also important as I realised the importance of family and friends. I was really not in a good mental state I used to lose temper easily on my mom and my friends, I was getting frustrated. I used to fight with my mom on unnecessary topics. The only thing that helped me this time was work. I worked a lot and studied a lot. I never gave myself time to think anything else but work. In my leisure time I used to hang out with my friends. Those who were closed to me that time have always had a chance to face my wrath some time or other. I think that was my way to pull out the pressure which I was going through. I am thankful to my friends who always listened to me. They were always there whenever I needed them, more than anything else I needed an ear to listen to my feelings. I did call them even at 4am in the morning, but they never ever had issues with it. I guess bad times really help us to know our close friends. That’s the testing time for everyone. I always have love my family members but never ever thought that this incident will make me love them more. They understood me, realised my pain and then tried to minimize it. Everyone there had lost someone close to them but they forgot that to make me feel comfortable.
2014 was an emotional journey for me. 2014 has helped me to rekindle the bond with my family and friends. I won’t say I am a different person altogether. But, 2014 has made me a sensitive person. So with the memories of 2014 I step in to a new year 2015, with new hopes, new resolutions and a new ME!!!